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Missing you

Hey! I miss you! – says a friend that I haven’t seen in a while.

Yeah, I miss myself too.

I don’t know where that encouraging, reference Mariana is. She probably got lost in the middle of all the sleepless nights, which were the rule in the last 2 months. She surely left a track in the middle of the fussy cries, the kids disobedience, and the peed bedsheets.

Congratulations if you can spend months sleeping 3h per night and be fine. I can’t. And it’s not just spending nights awake and having problem-free days, it’s sleepless nights and having to see your little daughter suffer with a horrible pain that no doctor can explain (even when they tried to investigate), it’s seeing your oldest daughter learning your grouchiness, and having no energy to celebrate when they do things right.

And I can’t blame them. It’s not their fault that I’m grouchy. Melissa didn’t choose to feel that pain in her tummy nights in a row (countless…) Evelyn didn’t choose the bad role model of a mother that I’ve recently become. And Andrea didn’t choose to be teething exactly when everything else is falling apart.

I also didn’t choose that all of this is happening at once and I’m surely not dealing with it well with my own tiredness, never mind with their problems…

Someone once told me that mothers have no time to get sick. This person surely never had depression, or met a mother with depression. It feels like a whole that in theory you know the way out, but you just can’t get to it.

And I know all your Bible verses for that. The encouraging ones and the correction ones. And it makes me feel even worse because I just can’t put them into practice right now.

I know, God is sitting on the throne. And He’s not done with me yet.

Sorry, it was just another bad (normal?!) night…

2 comments to Missing you

  • Poliana

    Mari,
    Você não está sozinha nesta vida de mãe cansada. Hoje vejo que os blog e revistas e o que mais que seja que chegue até nós, faz pensar que todas conseguem fazer tudo e ainda passarem uma visão de estão bem. Mas tenho certeza que na realidade estão mortas de cansada e se perguntando porque as outras conseguem e eu não?

    Me fiz está pergunta ainda hoje! E agora leio seu texto e vejo que não, as doutras maes nao conseguem ttambém…só nao abandonam o barco.

    Sobre a depressão, ja estou em tratamento médico tem 3 anos e mudou minha vida depois que aceitei ajuda médica.

    Bjo.

  • Obrigada pelo comentário, Poli.
    Eu desisti de ver outros blogs, porque é frustrante. Prefiro lidar com gente da vida real que chega na porta da escolinha com olheiras na cara, cabelo bagunçado, e o filho mais novo de pijama no banco de trás porque não deu tempo de arrumar todo mundo.
    Mas é como você falou, a gente não abandona o barco!
    O que tem sido mais difícil aqui é essa onda de doenças. Febre daqui, tosse dali, infecção de lá, e a Melissa com as dores inexplicáveis na barriga…

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